Day 13
Many of us face times in our lives that are clouded by a sense of uncertainty and anxiety. We can turn our attention away from the clouds, but can’t completely escape the feeling that a storm is threatening.
It lurks deep inside of us no matter what we do to try to ignore it.
I didn’t feel it when my doctor told me I had cancer. He assured me that it would be over and done with after day surgery and radiation. I was overcome with gratitude in knowing they had caught it early.
I didn’t feel it when I checked in to Florida Hospital to have a lumpectomy. This was merely a step in my healing process. It wasn’t by any means my first surgery and may very well not be my last.
I didn’t feel it on my first visit to the oncology radiologist. The thought of subjecting my body to massive amounts of radiation every day for 6 weeks was distressing, but I believed it would be the last step necessary to assure me a life completely free of the C word – cancer.
I didn’t even feel it on my first visit to the oncologist, where I learned that additional pathology tests were called for. But on that second visit it hit me. I heard the C word that I never expected – chemotherapy. This changed Everything… it was real.
The next few weeks consisted of blood work, a heart scan, insurance chaos, a second surgery to implant a catheter port for infusions, and a whole lot of apprehension. This apprehension is a tribute to the growth I’ve experienced over the last several years. Growth that I want to share with every single person out there that is facing a storm.
You see, the old me, a younger and less wise version, would have been afraid of my long-term prognosis. She would have feared the wrath of chemo and would be worried about what she’d look like without hair. She’d say things like “it’s not fair” and would have had a few tear-drenched pity parties by now.
Yes, I do have feelings of uncertainty and anxiety – but the new me has completely new definitions for these terms. I’ve replaced fear of the unknown with apprehension. I’ve accepted and embraced whatever lies ahead, and have been filled with more of a feeling of anticipation than anxiety. The clouds that linger over me now are less controlling and really mostly fueled by a desire to know how my body will react. In the place of fear, I feel a peace and know that it’s all OK. I just want to bring it on so I know what to expect.
This new perspective may not seem like much of a change, but it is life changing. It’s in knowing that God is in complete control, and believing that he is with me no matter how difficult my days may become. It’s in surrendering to his will for my life, and believing that even this can be used for my good – and even for the good of others.
I’ve been counting down the days, and today is the one I’ve been anticipating. This is where the rubber hits the road and I really begin the walk. I’ve been checked in and plugged into tubes of nasty medicine that will begin to attack my body from the inside out, in an effort to kill that which seeks to harm me. It will not win the war, because in my heart I carry a secret weapon. It’s the truth of the gospel, a truth that can change your life forever. You see, our lives are full of situations that seek to harm us but the reality is that God has destroyed all that seeks to harm. He has triumphed and offers his victory to every one of us who chooses to accept it.
The gift is free and available to all who are willing to receive it. It doesn’t matter if your struggles revolve around health, finances, family issues, or any other painful situation.
Today is a milestone day for me. It marks the beginning of a reality that I never would have expected in my life. As such I feel it’s an appropriate day to begin a daily routine of taking communion, and to launch this blog. The blog has taken me a couple of weeks to set up, and I’ve added daily journals during this time. I invite you to check out those earlier posts, and to subscribe to my newsletter to receive new post notifications.
Should you find truth in the experiences and thoughts I’m sharing, please extend my invitation to others. My wish and hope is that together we can help to shine some light into a dark and hurting world.
In Victory,
