Day 61
Life isn’t always peace and joy, and last week served as a reminder. A cyst has become infected and needs to be removed through day surgery. Because the chemo has weakened my immune system
my surgeon wants to hold off on the procedure if at all possible. I had my third round of chemo on Tuesday, which left me sick and miserable. And I met with the oncologist who predicted that I’ll have 3 more rounds to go, before beginning my next phase(s) of treatment.
It was Thursday and I think I just got sick of being sick and tired, and I allowed my mind to ask the age-old question; “what the heck am I doing here?” What I really want is to live my life according to God’s purpose for me, and when I dropped my guard I opened a door for the enemy to enter and hurl accusations and convictions at me. The longer I kept that door opened, the more depressed I became, and the more useless my life seemed. You may recall my earlier post “Be Still“, where I addressed this time of my life as a period in which my job was to not have a job. Regardless, these feelings of uselessness were once again upon me, telling me I should be doing something to help others – not out of obligation but from my heart.
I’m no stranger to depression. In the past this could have led me into a week long pity party, full of hopelessness and desperation. On this one particular night, though, I was able to call upon the Holy Spirit to lead me into a sense of gratitude. It’s the spirit that’s important here, because even in the depths of depression my mind is always aware that I have much to be grateful for. That kind of “head knowledge” can never be helpful until it becomes “heart knowledge” and for that, we need the Holy Spirit.
I called on a friend, who assured me that my recent inactivity was not a bad thing. His advice to me was to call out to God, asking him what he wants of me…. and that in the stillness God would reveal his purposes for my life – but only when He is ready.
God has amazing ways to communicate with us and, though I heard no words that Thursday night his message was loud and clear. I woke up in the middle of the night violently ill. It was the first time since starting chemo that I’d had such a bad reaction, and I was sick for the remainder of the week. Instantly I understood that my highest priority right now is to heal – and the convictions quickly melted off my shoulders.
My backup message came the next day, when I opened a daily devotional book that one of my awesome friends had sent me. The message for the day read:
“RELAX IN MY HEALING, holy Presence. Allow me to transform you through this time alone with Me. As your thoughts center more and more on Me, trust displaces fear and worry. Your mind is somewhat like a seesaw. As your trust in Me goes up, fear and worry automatically go down. Time spent with Me not only increases your trust; it also helps you discern what is important and what is not.
Energy and time are precious, limited entities. Therefore, you need to use them wisely, focusing on what is truly important. As you walk close to Me, saturating your mind with Scripture, I will show you how to spend your time and energy. My Word is a lamp to your feet; My Presence is a Light for your path.”
Jesus Calling – Enjoying Peace in His Presence, by Sarah Young
Total confirmation…. my path is straight because it leads to Jesus. All I have to do right now is stay close to him and when the time comes, he’ll show me how to spend my time and energy, and will give me the strength and good health to enable me to do so.
But for now, I think I’m going to go out and float in the pool…..
