Letting Myself Go

Day 129

Today is one I’ve been dreading – round 6 of chemo. My experience was so bad with round 5 that I often told myself I couldn’t go through it even one more time, but here I am….. literally sitting in the infusion room. 

Phillipians 4:13 tells us:

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”,

and I know that it’s his strength that will lead me past this difficult time and into perfect health. I’ve never doubted that I will be well again – I’ve just been unhappy with the process.

On a much happier note, this is the worst it’s going to get for me. It’s my last chemo treatment; a highly anticipated milestone in this ongoing journey! History tells me that the next 2-3 weeks are going to be rough, and as I look forward I’ve made a pact with myself. I know it’s not the most productive decision I’ve made, but I’ve given myself permission to just let go of the “shoulds” and the “shouldn’ts”.

It looks something like this:

I should eat a healthy dinner. I shouldn’t eat macaroni & cheese for dinner.

But

For the next 3 weeks I give myself permission to do the wrong thing

It seems that when I feel my worst, my body craves all the comfort foods that I shouldn’t be eating, and healthy foods (let’s not even talk about drinking water…. the worst!) are repulsive to me.

Backwards Thinking

On a side note, this mirrors one of the issues that causes us spiritual, emotional, and physical grief in our lives. It’s very simple to understand and identify in our lives, but takes consistent effort on our parts to change. It all revolves around our decision-making process, which many of us have backwards.

The 3 Factors

Everything that we choose to do is controlled by 3 factors; body, mind, and spirit. The body is our carnal nature, and it knows exactly what it wants in order to meet its immediate needs. The mind is where the decision is made, and dictates the action that is made. The spirit is God’s holy spirit that he has embedded in our souls, and it is the spirit of power, love, and self control.

Where it Goes Wrong

Rather than living through the spirit, much of the time we live through the body. We feel, think, experience and want what the body wants, and those desires influence the mind, leading to actions that are not in line with our spirits.

A Better Way

When we align ourselves with the spirit rather than the body, we learn to take cues that are based on the power, love, and self control that God has given us. Rather than “mac and cheese would be awesome for dinner”, I can train my mind to listen to the spirit, which tells me that mac and cheese may taste amazing tonight (and satisfy my crazy cravings for carbs), but in fact it is unhealthy and counter-productive to what I want in my life. When I surrender to the spirit, my mind will make a spirit-led decision and take an action that will affect my body in a positive manner.

How to Get There

This can only be accomplished through consistent training, and the only way I know to do so is through prayer. The prayer is simple. We need only to give praise to God for blessing us with his spirit, confess that we’re powerless over (food, our worries, our addictions, etc), and ask him to help us live through the holy spirit. When we make this a daily ritual, and offer up our prayers throughout the day, we experience change.

Back to Me

I confess that I’ve made a conscious decision to let my body take control over my mind for the next 3 weeks. I know this isn’t a wise decision, but I’m giving myself permission to placate my carnal nature.

My Commitment

It’s always difficult to make commitments, especially to make them publicly – which is why I’m putting this in writing. Yes I’m tossing good sense and literally going “with my gut”, but I’ve made a commitment to myself that I’ll only allow this behavior for 3 weeks. I won’t feel guilty or regretful, and beginning November 1 I will begin to transform my body into a healthier, more energetic being that is spirit led.

Your Part

You may have carnal desires that are not good for you but are controlling you. If so, I encourage you to turn to God. With his help you have the ability to create new patterns in your life that will bring about life-changing results.

In Peace,