Day 3
Have you ever been unhappy with your body? Wished you were taller, thinner, more attractive, etc? Personally I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to get thin, and have looked with envy at other women with gorgeous figures and beautiful features.
I’ve promised to be completely transparent with you, and am going to jump right into it.
Over the last 2 months my prognosis has swung the gamet. After a lumpectomy I was told the doctor “got it all” and I would only need radiation for 6 weeks. Things changed in view of pathology tests that reported my cancer was aggressive. With chemo, radiation, and drug/infusion therapies my chances of recurrance would be decreased.
Given this news, I began to think this could be my chance to get a boob job, compliments of my insurance company. After all, the thought of trading in my less than impressive chest size for something more attractive seemed to offer a silver lining hidden in the storm. Which led me to a serious underlying issue – my body image and self esteem.
I began to wonder if my thoughts were being driven by my insecurities and desire to look better, and started to feel guilty that I was taking something so serious and trying to capitalize on it for a really bad reason. I discussed this with my husband, who assured me that it wouldn’t ever matter to him – even if I had to have a mascectomy with no reconstruction. Still I wasn’t convinced, and wrestled with my thoughts for about a week.
I prayed on this but remained confused, until finally I allowed my mind to become completely still – and God gave me an answer that was so simple stupid I’m almost ashamed to admit it. It was in my spirit, not through any kind of audible voice or anything supernatural. This is how he guides us.
In that instant, my confusion vanished and I knew that the answer had nothing to do with my figure, and everything to do with my health. The bottom line suddenly became reduced to numbers. If a mascectomy can reduce my chance of reoccurance, and the doctors believe it’s a good option, then it’s the right choice. If not, then it’s not. And if I end up with a more attractive chest, I’ll take it. If not (radiation will actually reduce the size of my left breast), I’ll take it. No guilt about my motives, no condemnation. Nothing but trust that, in the words of Bob Marley, “Every little thing gonna be alright.”
